If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
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