11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
