Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
