i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
