so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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