Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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