apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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