the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
