I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
My butt remains clenched, sir.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
