Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
