hotel room ftw
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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