You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
