I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
