He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
