i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
