On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
