Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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