1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I think i peed on brittanys purse
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
