She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Damn victory sex feels great
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
