Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
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he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
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I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing