She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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