Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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