So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
