I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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