I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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