i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
