I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
nutella sex= disaster
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
