Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
