remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
