I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Randomize
