Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
