my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
