This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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