Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
