hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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