just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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