you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
