3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
