3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
