can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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