My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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