Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
