Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
