he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
