I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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