I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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