i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
