I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
