she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
