I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
