she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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