You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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