Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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